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Planet Earth's Control Room [Jul. 2nd, 2005|01:09 am]
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[Current Music |Psychonaut 75 - End of All Flesh]

Jesus Christ's liver tasted of gin and semen. I gobbed it out on to the floor and looked around the control room. Somewhere out back, the Pope was still screaming. If I hadn't punched the teeth out of the pirahna before I poured them up him, he might be dead by now. The only thing muffling his fucking noise was the mouthful of used condoms. The Virgin Mary came out of a side door with a shotgun. I bit off the end and spat it in her eye, laughing. "Virgin Mary my arse," I said. "Any wife of mine coming home with that story would have been left out for the lepers before midnight. You like the taste of dadpaste and no mistake. I've chewed open your son and washed his raw meat down with a bottle of shit wine. What do you think to that?" As the Virgin Mary went down on her booted knees and skilfully guided my purple-headed battering ram past her prehensile tonsils, I looked at the control panel. There was a depression in it with a red button at the bottom with the sign DO NOT PRESS. At the last moment, I ripped my beef missile free of her vocal cords with both hands and shoved it down into the control console.

The world exploded.

And THEN I ejaculated.

The end. Fuck off.


RUPTURE FICTION: because television is slow and spaceships don't go anywhere and zombies are crap.

(c) Warren Ellis 2005
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Comments:
[User Picture]From: [info]hir0protagonist
2005-07-02 12:13 am (UTC)

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Funny, that's exactly what Sunday school was like for me.
[User Picture]From: [info]mommyslilmonstr
2005-07-02 12:44 am (UTC)

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Purple headed battering ram? Come on.
[User Picture]From: [info]warren_ellis
2005-07-02 12:44 am (UTC)

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You never heard that one before?
[User Picture]From: [info]wyldkyss
2005-07-02 12:55 am (UTC)

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'sa new one to me.
[User Picture]From: [info]mommyslilmonstr
2005-07-02 01:03 am (UTC)

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I have, maybe it was the context at the time (a bad Leslie Neilsen movie when I was wee).
[User Picture]From: [info]patient_0
2005-07-02 03:30 am (UTC)

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You could have used turgid pikestaff. But then we would have accused you of parroting the Marquis De Sade.
[User Picture]From: [info]acidbathlove
2005-07-02 12:47 am (UTC)

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ya gotta give him cred on beef missile though. holy shiz.
[User Picture]From: [info]fornikate
2005-07-02 12:45 am (UTC)

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haha
[User Picture]From: [info]dreadbeard
2005-07-02 12:51 am (UTC)

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Fuck's sake, man. That's a new low.

:)
[User Picture]From: [info]willdevine
2005-07-02 12:54 am (UTC)

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New word added to my vocabulary today: "dadpaste".
[User Picture]From: [info]labrynthos
2005-07-02 01:33 am (UTC)

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Yes, very good that one!
[User Picture]From: [info]roadparty
2005-07-02 01:19 am (UTC)

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Someone's been reading the Left Behind series while smoking funny cigarettes, haven't they?
[User Picture]From: [info]thesheryl
2005-07-02 01:36 am (UTC)

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Oi.
[User Picture]From: [info]darkphoenixrisn
2005-07-02 02:11 am (UTC)

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You're going to Hell for writing that. I'm going to Hell for enjoying reading it.
From: [info]goingincirclez
2005-07-02 02:24 am (UTC)

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Ha ha, I can't help but laugh at "beef missile". I'd heard that before, but the way you snuck it in there so casually...

ew, double entendre...
[User Picture]From: [info]razrangel
2005-07-02 02:37 am (UTC)

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geesh. erotica? ok, I guess.

*fucks off*
[User Picture]From: [info]warren_ellis
2005-07-02 04:20 pm (UTC)

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"geesh. erotica?"

Only if your sex life is seriously, seriously fucked up.
[User Picture]From: [info]razrangel
2005-07-02 07:04 pm (UTC)

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well... since you wrote it I was thinking that about y-ah, never mind.

If it's not, then what?
[User Picture]From: [info]warren_ellis
2005-07-02 07:05 pm (UTC)

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Use the Greek scale: if everybody dies, it's tragedy. If one person's left alive, it's comedy.
[User Picture]From: [info]razrangel
2005-07-03 05:10 pm (UTC)

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This is Greek comedy?


...I'm being facetious. I'm not Greek and neither is my sense of humor. *shrug* life's just full of disappointments.
[User Picture]From: [info]uchidachi
2005-07-02 03:17 am (UTC)

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Mary totally did oral.
[User Picture]From: [info]patient_0
2005-07-02 03:32 am (UTC)

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She learned how to pray real good out in the field with those sheepherders.
[User Picture]From: [info]lord_sauron
2005-07-02 03:34 am (UTC)

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You make me laugh till I cry in the apreciation of the lengths you go with a story.
[User Picture]From: [info]heehaw_tng
2005-07-02 04:28 am (UTC)

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It is stories like this one that made me glad to be a Jew...
[User Picture]From: [info]warren_ellis
2005-07-02 04:27 pm (UTC)

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Stand by for "The Rabbi Was All Over My Fist," coming soon.
[User Picture]From: [info]panzerkunst
2005-07-02 04:37 am (UTC)

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Now let's go piss off the Buddhists.
[User Picture]From: [info]warren_ellis
2005-07-02 04:27 pm (UTC)

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"Buddha Was A Dickslap," coming soon.
[User Picture]From: [info]panzerkunst
2005-07-03 04:48 am (UTC)

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Now we know why he's smiling.
[User Picture]From: [info]ishokunaeppy
2005-07-02 04:42 am (UTC)

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"[B]ecause television is slow and spaceships don't go anywhere and zombies are crap."

God, don't I know it.

FIX MY FUCKING WORLD, ALREADY.

Citizens demand jetpacks.
[User Picture]From: [info]panzerkunst
2005-07-03 04:50 am (UTC)

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Considering how so few can figure out how to cross the street properly, no thanks.
[User Picture]From: [info]ishokunaeppy
2005-07-03 09:12 am (UTC)

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Eh, you just watch your head for a few weeks as the stupid thin themselves out. We'll be all the better for it.
[User Picture]From: [info]ronebofh
2005-07-02 07:38 am (UTC)

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An amateur would've dragged that on too long. That was perfect. Just build build build BLAM.
From: [info]hangedwoman
2005-07-02 08:35 am (UTC)

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RUPTURE FICTION: the inevitable evolution of InfernoKrusher, where "more than the death of the Reader, Infernokrusher prizes the sudden, violent dismemberment of the Reader." [source]
[User Picture]From: [info]xxdream
2005-07-02 01:41 pm (UTC)

Awwwwww

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you brought back romance.

ggl
[User Picture]From: [info]ajr
2005-07-02 09:45 pm (UTC)

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This rather puts me in mind of a Kurt Vonnegut short story I read once. I think it might have been in Again, Dangerous Visions.
[User Picture]From: [info]evalux
2005-07-05 04:16 am (UTC)

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Beef missile. Nice.