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Funniest, Most Disturbing GI JOE: RESOLUTE Review I’ve Seen [Apr. 26th, 2009|09:54 pm]
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From Topless Robot:

You know how we all complain that so-and-so raped our childhoods? Well, this is the exact opposite. I used this line in my Twitter, but I stand by it — G.I. Joe: Resolute is like Warren Ellis made tender, passionate love to our childhoods, and he had an enormous dick.

Rrrrreally not sure how to feel about that one.

(Automatically crossposted from warrenellis.com. Feel free to comment here or at my message board Whitechapel. If anything in this post looks weird, it's because LJ is run on steampipes and rubber bands -- please click through to the main site.)
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[User Picture]From: tiggerbone
2009-04-26 10:09 pm (UTC)

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You made me laugh and spill tea upon my keyboard.

I work at Fermilab in the Main Control Room.

I shall blame you if the Tevatron does not find the Higgs before the LHC.
[User Picture]From: invisiblemoose
2009-04-26 10:15 pm (UTC)

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I think the correct response is "Thank you very much, now here is your restraining order."

(Also, people who bitch about their childhoods being raped need to get some fucking perspective, and possibly a knee in the crotchular area.)
[User Picture]From: phoenix_hawk
2009-04-26 11:05 pm (UTC)

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Fucking perspective is a good thing to have (and yes, your larger point is very important).
[User Picture]From: neev
2009-04-26 10:20 pm (UTC)

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I think he's implying that you're a pedophile.
(Deleted comment)
[User Picture]From: kangeiko
2009-04-26 10:38 pm (UTC)

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Were?
[User Picture]From: warren_ellis
2009-04-26 10:40 pm (UTC)

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I'm 41. It fell off.
[User Picture]From: xnbach
2009-04-27 08:04 am (UTC)

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Sorry to hear that, but explains why they said, "and he HAD an enormous dick."

Perils of having a detachable penis, I suppose
[User Picture]From: elektro_static
2009-04-26 10:26 pm (UTC)

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As long as it was consensual...

Though I'd take umbridge at the use of 'dick', singular.
[User Picture]From: sixswordsamurai
2009-04-27 04:28 am (UTC)

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Warren is the multi-wanged demon of our dreams (and nightmares?)
[User Picture]From: sentience
2009-04-26 10:35 pm (UTC)

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Hahahahaha.
[User Picture]From: deannawol
2009-04-26 10:35 pm (UTC)

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Hmm... well, if it's not rape than it has to be consentual, so it's a good thing and if it was passionate and tender and you have a really big dick then it's a fantastic thing!! So obviously, go you! You didn't wreck a childhood institution. Which you didn't... but it's always nice to have a (we think it's) good review!
[User Picture]From: lots42
2009-04-26 10:44 pm (UTC)

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I completely agree. Even though I wonder why Solider One didn't aim for the less bulletproof bad guy...
[User Picture]From: good_benito
2009-04-26 10:51 pm (UTC)

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Well, I wasn't going to go with the dick reference. I wanted to say that my childhood memories had inserted all the blood and bullets into the gay-ass cartoon lasers they used, and this cartoon brought everything that had been in my head into full realization.

Everything I'd always wanted from G.I. Joe.
[User Picture]From: discogravy
2009-04-26 11:55 pm (UTC)

and knowing is half the battle

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"sweet, tender love, ending in a godzilla bukkake"

...and now you know why Cobra Commander wears a full face mask.
[User Picture]From: y2kdragon
2009-04-27 12:10 am (UTC)

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GI Joe was that nerdy girl that used to hang around when we were kids. She was ok, but not quite as close as our buddies were. Sure, it was ok to have her around.

Then we got a bit older, and girls were yucky, so we ditched her for "cooler" guy stuff.

In high school, we saw that she was overweight, pimply-faced, and just not cool at all, and wrote her off as "what were we thinking?"

Warren Ellis has now returned GI Joe to us, like seeing her again at the high school reunion. But now, she's lost weight, her skin is perfect, and she is the hot super-model babe we all lusted after. Thank you!
[User Picture]From: jakethefaust
2009-04-27 12:37 am (UTC)

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Warren, thank you for changing a completely unwatchable toy commercial in to something that actual worth watching. Huzzah for over elaborate science! Huzzah for sticking to cannon characters with new additions to their personalities. Though I kept finding myself trying to make up the old fashion names for the unnamed heroes by what they simply did, or what they were called by the main cast.
[User Picture]From: callmelackeyman
2009-04-27 01:59 am (UTC)

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I faintly recall that there are many quotes concerning Warren Ellis's genital superiority. Only one comes to mind, though. Maybe they should be collected somewhere for the sake of future generations. I'll start!

"Warren Ellis does not drink girly drinks. He drinks man drinks. Because he is a man. A MAN. He has manly parts. He. Is. Made. Of. Man. Parts."
- Christopher Bird
[User Picture]From: xlerb
2009-04-27 02:29 am (UTC)

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“you will all drink from my science udders before this world is done”
 — Warren Ellis.
[User Picture]From: maramala
2009-04-27 02:19 am (UTC)

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That's what happens when the reviewer has been watching too many "Japanese cartoon porn". Or hangs out at certain bottom-of-the-barrel user-generated content imageboards forums web sites. Seriously.

You know what I'm talking about.
[User Picture]From: ninjadebugger
2009-04-27 02:46 am (UTC)

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I bet it was consensual missionary position sex, because Warren Ellis is just sick like that.
From: hello_momma
2009-04-27 02:21 am (UTC)

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My childhood was asking for it.

Just so you know you are way down on the list of people my childhood will be calling to inform them of it's new medical status.

Edited at 2009-04-27 02:23 am (UTC)
[User Picture]From: mneiai
2009-04-27 02:39 am (UTC)

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Wow, wish I hadn't read that while taking a drink.
[User Picture]From: lbd_nytetrayn
2009-04-27 04:26 am (UTC)

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Saw it on there the other day, and I cracked up.

And now I see that you saw it, and cracked up again.

Life is good. And so is the toon.

--LBD "Nytetrayn"
[User Picture]From: dogbite12
2009-04-27 04:33 am (UTC)

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I think they liked it. And want more.
[User Picture]From: daveroguesf
2009-04-27 07:36 am (UTC)

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That's one for the DVD box cover.
[User Picture]From: slinka
2009-04-27 02:22 pm (UTC)

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You are fuck god. I ready everthing you ever writter.
[User Picture]From: warren_ellis
2009-04-28 11:44 am (UTC)

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I R FCUK GOD
[User Picture]From: lordshell
2009-04-28 12:29 am (UTC)

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Maybe they just mean you're creatively well-endowed.

Not that you can't have an enormous dick, too.