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Warren Ellis

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Falconer [May. 9th, 2005|01:44 am]
Warren Ellis
[Current Music |Hackney Hardcore - Rudie]

"I think I have to put his penis in my mouth," Falconer observed.

"Good Christ, man," the detective said. "Are you on drugs?"

"God, I hope so. I rather think I'd have to be to stay in here. Look at this place. Blood everywhere."

"It's a murder scene," the detective said, slowly.

"That explains everything," Falconer smiled. "Your Chief of Police must have called me in again, yes?"

"I have no idea why," the detective scowled, stepping out of the way of an industrious CSU rushing out of the room with eight bags of post-mortem turds. "This is a bad one, but it hardly requires outside help less than an hour into the case."

"Your boss feels otherwise, obviously. If only I can remember why. What was I saying?"

"You wanted to suck off the corpse."

"Don't be so disgusting," Falconer said. "No wonder he wanted me here. You are plainly some kind of hired pervert. I simply need to learn of the woman who had sex with him before he died."

"You think someone humped him and then flayed him alive?"

"The blood that isn't on the walls and the floor still charges his organ, detective. Look at it closely."

"I'm not looking at a dead guy's cock."

Falconer shuffled towards the body spreadeagled on the filthy bed, his hand pressing on the small of his back where the pain always lay. His early years as a male prostitute had quite ruined his spine, although they'd also gifted him with his sharp senses and preternaturally strong tongue.

"This man's penis, detective, is the centre of this case. We'll have it solved before the strip clubs open, you mark my words."

Falconer hunched over the corpse -- a boy of eighteen, his torso opened like curtains, his remaining ribs like windowframes on the vista of his internal organs.

The detective retched as Falconer took a deep inhalation of the decedent's genitals.

"Aaaaah," Falconer said. "A woman who uses beer as a perfume. She's slept rough in the same pleather outfit for the last three nights. Waiting for a victim, I would imagine."

And so Falconer, the great consulting detective, gently and carefully took the dead man's penis, grey and full of dead blood, into his mouth.

And spat it out again. "Jesus Motherfucker, that's horrible," he declared.

"What were you expecting?"

Falconer tapped his lips frenziedly. "My lips are numb. Oh my god, I've killed my lips with a dead boy's cock."

"Get out," said the detective.

"No. No no no. Spermicide. She used too much spermicide. She didn't want any part of him, no accidents. A woman posing as a vagrant prostitute, detective. She has money. Money for a strong spermicide, liberally applied. And..."


"...the flavour. The flavour of the woman's vagina is uniquely horrible. Foodstuffs and other ingestible substances affect the flavour of our sexual secretions, you know. Mine taste of gin."

"I could shoot you and call it an accident, you know."

"Detective, only one substance makes a woman's nether regions taste this foul. You are looking for a heavy user of amphetamine sulphate."

Falconer straightened up, wincing. "Also, she's covered in blood and less than an hour away. I shall now consume the Cigarette Of Victory. Exeunt."

Falconer, the great detective, exited the scene, en route to a rendezvous with a lady of his acquaintance. For a significant sum, he would help her wash the blood off, burn her pleather pants and put her on a bus for points unknown.

It was, as ever, a fine day to be Falconer.

(c) Warren Ellis 2005 etc etc

[User Picture]From: venus_orbiting
2005-05-09 12:50 am (UTC)
I loved that and I'm still not quite sure why.
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[User Picture]From: apiphile
2005-05-09 12:53 am (UTC)
I think this is a definite return to form for you - not that the most recent lot have been bad, more that this is outstanding.
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[User Picture]From: warren_ellis
2005-05-09 12:57 am (UTC)
Literally four minutes' work. Character-based stuff like this comes pretty easily to me.
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[User Picture]From: lord_sauron
2005-05-09 11:44 am (UTC)
I envy you. All I can do is write scenes. But you. YOU! Id say damn you if I werent so in love with the way you bring characters of such incredible flavor to life (no pun intended). I wish I could tap into that kind of mindset you use when writing.
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[User Picture]From: connexion
2005-05-09 12:58 am (UTC)
Just what I needed before hitting the sack today. You sir, are evil beyond redemption. And that is why we like you.
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[User Picture]From: graymalkan
2005-05-09 01:00 am (UTC)
You are a very bad, bad man.

I am still trying to figure out why I now what a
Krispy Kreme doughnt and some toothpaste.
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[User Picture]From: pontiuspilates
2005-05-09 01:03 am (UTC)
"his torso opened like curtains, his remaining ribs like windowframes on the vista of his internal organs"

Very nice.

I don't know whether I am more pleased by your style or by the concept of Falconer.
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From: nefarious_kinky
2005-05-09 01:06 am (UTC)
Three cheers for five-minute fiction!
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[User Picture]From: tearsinger
2005-05-09 01:07 am (UTC)
Dirty man.
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[User Picture]From: inside_oscar
2005-05-09 01:08 am (UTC)
Now that's a show I'd like to see get popular in usa.
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[User Picture]From: disgruntledgrrl
2005-05-09 01:14 am (UTC)
I'm not sure which action was a professional courtesy to whom. It's always good when a story keeps you guessing after you're done reading it.
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[User Picture]From: porphyre
2005-05-09 01:21 am (UTC)
You may have just temporarily ruined my sex life.
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[User Picture]From: capslockfonetik
2005-05-09 11:00 am (UTC)
Oh good, I'm not the only one.
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[User Picture]From: camelopard_boy
2005-05-09 01:38 am (UTC)
Well there's only so many ways you can say "you're a bad, bad man" isn't there -- instead: nicely done.

That I read it just after eating my lunch and feel not the slightest bit nauseous is either a mark of pride or a sign of too little imagination, I'm not sure which.
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[User Picture]From: krysalist
2005-05-09 01:43 am (UTC)
Falconer, master of bodily secretions, dead cocks and decidely horrible smells. I could read his stories forever.
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[User Picture]From: heehaw_tng
2005-05-09 01:48 am (UTC)
Absolutely brilliant. It's reasons like this you are the man.
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From: senorquesa
2005-05-09 02:15 am (UTC)
Cigarette Of Victory indeed.
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[User Picture]From: ronebofh
2005-05-09 02:21 am (UTC)
Frank Ironwine meets Ennis's Sex Detectives.
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From: proton_queen
2005-05-09 02:26 am (UTC)
Ya know, I would never have thought to put a corpse's penis in my mouth to solve a case. Makes sense, if your tastebuds are that acute.
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[User Picture]From: urbancontra
2005-05-09 02:41 am (UTC)
If i ever read a detective book, it would be this one.
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From: moonandserpent
2005-05-09 02:44 am (UTC)
It may just be the drinking, but I keep picturing Jack Klugman playing Falconer.

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[User Picture]From: angelus702
2005-05-09 03:03 am (UTC)
That was something that entertained me. Thank you for that!
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[User Picture]From: djsean
2005-05-09 03:11 am (UTC)
This past weekend I told Robert Kirkman that he wrote my favorite fucked up comic. Lengthen this and get Derrick Robertson on it, and the title is yours.

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[User Picture]From: glitter_regalia
2005-05-09 03:36 am (UTC)
I was really quite hungry up until a few minutes ago. Now I can't get the smell of an ex boyfriend's genitals out of my head.

Which is why you will always have a special place in my heart. Or my stomach. One of them.
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[User Picture]From: k2vsate
2005-05-09 03:46 am (UTC)
Sah that was well worth the read. Keep it coming.
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[User Picture]From: thenowhere
2005-05-09 04:21 am (UTC)
Love your dialogue and character bits.

I just kept giggling at this one.

And I might've been aroused. Damnit, Warren.

Don't let me read you late at night.
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From: lazytomato
2005-05-09 04:31 am (UTC)
I want a tape of myself reading this. My eyes bulged out bit by bit, and my grin got wider and wider. I reached the end and laughed so hard that my keyboard is now full of mint-chip ice cream.
You are ingenious. But you know that. So, uh, keep up the good work.
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From: goblinzz
2005-05-09 05:37 am (UTC)
You have got my attention away from my failed exams. I recently had a dream that involved a dinner of scrambled eggs and penises.

are we both lost to the world of the sane?
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[User Picture]From: uchidachi
2005-05-09 05:52 am (UTC)
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[User Picture]From: pinkdormouse
2005-05-09 05:58 am (UTC)
I liked that one.

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[User Picture]From: wolf_heart9
2005-05-09 06:07 am (UTC)

The best...

"I could shoot you and call it an accident, you know."

...line. Made me laugh my ass off. Now I have no ass.
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[User Picture]From: yanatonage
2005-05-09 07:47 am (UTC)
I can only imagine the days and days of hands-on research that went into this
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[User Picture]From: card0
2005-05-09 08:57 am (UTC)
You get stranger and stranger and yet your writing keeps getting better, I fear the inevitable conclusion of this equation.
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[User Picture]From: jody_macgregor
2005-05-09 09:15 am (UTC)
Fucking brilliant. But why is he called Falconer?
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[User Picture]From: warren_ellis
2005-05-09 12:10 pm (UTC)
Why is the sky blue?
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[User Picture]From: therevmaynard
2009-09-18 04:32 am (UTC)
High frequency light waves scattering off gas particles in the atmosphere. That, or because it misses you.
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[User Picture]From: jj_
2005-05-09 10:27 am (UTC)
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[User Picture]From: card0
2005-05-09 12:44 pm (UTC)
Are we going to have to provide you with 100+ pieces of funny/sick/strange to get each story out of you? (only asking so I can stock up on good stuff).

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[User Picture]From: labrynthos
2005-05-09 01:24 pm (UTC)
I needed that this morning.
Today will be a good day.
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[User Picture]From: pendamuse
2005-05-09 01:31 pm (UTC)
My dead babies got nothing on you.
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[User Picture]From: aflaminghalo
2005-05-09 01:36 pm (UTC)
Oh my god, I've killed my lips with a dead boy's cock."

"Get out," said the detective.

And that is why I love you.

I'm going to be giggling at that all night. And having to explain it to people.
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[User Picture]From: fornikate
2005-05-10 02:22 am (UTC)
Oh dear, this is so wrong and yet so right.
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[User Picture]From: redwolf
2005-05-10 04:25 am (UTC)
Amused that Falconer's quite happy to see this as an opportunity for extortion.
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[User Picture]From: jbacardi
2006-08-20 12:27 pm (UTC)
Oh, to see a Falconer story illustrated by S.Clay Wilson...
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[User Picture]From: jingdono
2006-09-10 07:14 am (UTC)
I ... I love you. Or something. I'm not sure what. It could be love. It could be a dead boy's penis. It's hard to tell, these days.
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