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The Return Of Falconer - Warren Ellis [entries|archive|friends|userinfo]
Warren Ellis

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The Return Of Falconer [May. 9th, 2005|03:27 pm]
Warren Ellis
[Current Music |Momus - Spooky Kabuki PREMIX]

The girl was extraordinarily slender, flat-chested, with a small bottom entirely covered in blood.

Falconer's beak-like nose sniffed the hotel room's musky atmosphere. There was Crime here. And only he, the great consulting detective, possessed of supernatural skills honed by years as a professional lover of all mammals, could possibly solve this case.

The policeman wept in the corner. He didn't want this case. Something was profoundly Wrong with it. The girl wept on the bed, three pints of blood drying stickily on her bare backside. And there was an extremely old man on the floor with no penis.

Falconer contemplated the scene, taking a reviving pinch of snuff off the back of his hideously stained wrist.

"I must examine you," he said to the girl, not unkindly. She drew up her knees in fear. Falconer gently turned her over on to her front, and beckoned the sobbing officer over.

"Here now. Here is the truth of it."

His finger probed with great care between her scarlet buttocks. "There," Falconer hissed. "Do you see it?"

"Oh my God," whispered the policeman. "It has teeth."

"Indeed," said the great detective. "Anus dentata. Rare, but all too real. The old gentleman on the floor with no undercarriage preferred to take his pleasure through the tradesman's entrance. However -- "-- Falconer tapped the rim of the organ with his fingertip, and red fangs clacked down to form a sharp enamel iris -- "-- involuntary, you see? A convulsive action, severing and quite possibly devouring the decedent's erection."

The policeman slumped to his knees. "They hate me. Why else would they give me the guy who died of anal sex as a first case?"

"Nonsense. This is a very important case, young man. It's not every day a bishop dies of anus dentata."


"Note the boyish figure of the poor owner of these hidden jaws. Note that the discarded school uniform features a trouser rather than a skirt. This unpenised man of God was attempting to wean himself off choirboys. It would be sad if, frankly, it were not so very funny."

"Exeunt," Falconer crowed, pausing only to lift the bishop's wallet before lurching out of the room for the Cigarette Of Victory and the pursuit of Crime in all its romantic guises.

(c) Warren Ellis 2005 blah blah blah

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[User Picture]From: elissa_carey
2005-05-09 02:31 pm (UTC)
I love it. Falconer is a Holmes even more dissipated and fucked in the head than the original.
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[User Picture]From: lexinatrix
2005-05-09 03:18 pm (UTC)
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[User Picture]From: wibblefish
2005-05-09 02:32 pm (UTC)
always a pleasure to reap the fruits of your twisted mind
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[User Picture]From: card0
2005-05-09 02:33 pm (UTC)
Bastard, how the hell to I explain my hysterics! Tell them the story? Point out the cunning whit, the strange truth of it all, the terrible obviousness of your logic. How damn you HOW!

I need a cigarette!
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[User Picture]From: apiphile
2005-05-09 02:38 pm (UTC)
I think I rather like Falconer.
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[User Picture]From: warren_ellis
2005-05-10 11:21 am (UTC)
A hero for today.
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[User Picture]From: superlib
2005-05-09 02:40 pm (UTC)
That made me giggle!
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[User Picture]From: warren_ellis
2005-05-10 11:21 am (UTC)
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[User Picture]From: daki
2005-05-09 02:46 pm (UTC)
Brain demands bleach rub to punctuate mental images with proper amount of burning.
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From: nef_712
2005-05-09 02:51 pm (UTC)
I'm going to have nightmares.
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[User Picture]From: thesheryl
2005-05-09 02:54 pm (UTC)
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[User Picture]From: magnetgirl
2005-05-09 02:54 pm (UTC)
Anal jaws, lovely touch! With all the pussy teeth legends/horror tales, it's nice to see equal opportunity orifice evil!
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[User Picture]From: blackwell
2005-05-09 03:12 pm (UTC)
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[User Picture]From: z3nmaster
2005-05-09 03:32 pm (UTC)
Dirty Foul and Hilarious all at the same time.
Wonderful =)
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[User Picture]From: fragilemuse
2005-05-09 03:32 pm (UTC)
you have a very peculiar mind.. i cannot stop laughing :)
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[User Picture]From: warren_ellis
2005-05-10 11:21 am (UTC)
There is nothing peculiar about my mind.

I am writing CHILDREN'S STORIES here.

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[User Picture]From: inside_oscar
2005-05-09 03:34 pm (UTC)
The Falcioner reminds me of The Preacher's Jesus De Sade.

... and asshole teeth: Chuck Palahniuk's Guts ;þ
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[User Picture]From: porphyre
2005-05-09 04:03 pm (UTC)
No, no, what you really want is the mp3 of him reading it aloud.
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[User Picture]From: ronebofh
2005-05-09 03:53 pm (UTC)
You are hitting your stride.
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[User Picture]From: charlfoo
2005-05-09 03:59 pm (UTC)
I want teeth in my asshole too! Erm..I mean.....
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[User Picture]From: warren_ellis
2005-05-10 11:20 am (UTC)
Just say NO to anal dentures.
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[User Picture]From: pinkdormouse
2005-05-09 05:43 pm (UTC)
Marvels at your brain.

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[User Picture]From: noressa
2005-05-09 05:51 pm (UTC)
Love the music selection. (I was just introduced to the music of Momus a few weeks ago. Circus Maximus is my current favorite cd.)

As for the new hero? Sick, but amusing. What the hell was he doing with all his previous lovers to bring him where he is today?

As for the girl... It reminds me of Vampire Hunter D a bit, with the hand that had it's own mouth and eyes... Personality too. And another story I read where a womans breasts had a mind of there own, too, clubbing guys to death who got too fresh. Makes me wonder if her anus is hungry.
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[User Picture]From: aberranteyes
2005-05-09 11:02 pm (UTC)
Makes me wonder if her anus is hungry.

The whole thing made me think of WSB's routine about the Man Who Taught His Asshole To Talk. (And writing this comment made me realize I need a "sick and twisted" usericon in one of the 10 or so icon slots I have remaining.)
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[User Picture]From: the_siobhan
2005-05-09 06:02 pm (UTC)
"tradesman's entrance" is my new favourite euphemism.
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From: jnadiger
2005-05-09 06:46 pm (UTC)

They need a Law & Order like this.

The lead detective from the CRIMINAL INTENT show wanders around smelling the crime scene.

Come to think of it, one of the writers and/or producers of CI used to work in comics. Gerry Conway, I think.

Do you think the trauma of mainstream comics forces your brain to think about detectives who smell dead things?
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[User Picture]From: wolf_heart9
2005-05-09 09:18 pm (UTC)

I have a list...

...of Catholics I want to show this piece to. And then sit back and watch their heads explode.
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[User Picture]From: kowari
2005-05-09 09:21 pm (UTC)
I liked that one heaps better than the first one.
*smug grin*
Great way to start my working day!
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[User Picture]From: geny_bhai
2005-05-09 09:43 pm (UTC)
Very nice. This is the best of the recent ones.
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[User Picture]From: jj_
2005-05-09 09:48 pm (UTC)
See the thing is.. I actually like anal....
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[User Picture]From: warren_ellis
2005-05-10 11:20 am (UTC)
I bet people check your arse for traps, too.
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From: shadowblue
2005-05-09 11:12 pm (UTC)
I like that this came up on my friends page right after Momus's, and you're playing Spooky Kabuki.

These are fucking great, incidentally.

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[User Picture]From: silver_notebook
2005-05-09 11:43 pm (UTC)
I might have squirmed if I wasn't laughing.
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[User Picture]From: warren_ellis
2005-05-10 11:19 am (UTC)
I bring you joy.
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