|The Return Of Falconer
||[May. 9th, 2005|03:27 pm]
|||||Momus - Spooky Kabuki PREMIX||]|
The girl was extraordinarily slender, flat-chested, with a small bottom entirely covered in blood.
Falconer's beak-like nose sniffed the hotel room's musky atmosphere. There was Crime here. And only he, the great consulting detective, possessed of supernatural skills honed by years as a professional lover of all mammals, could possibly solve this case.
The policeman wept in the corner. He didn't want this case. Something was profoundly Wrong with it. The girl wept on the bed, three pints of blood drying stickily on her bare backside. And there was an extremely old man on the floor with no penis.
Falconer contemplated the scene, taking a reviving pinch of snuff off the back of his hideously stained wrist.
"I must examine you," he said to the girl, not unkindly. She drew up her knees in fear. Falconer gently turned her over on to her front, and beckoned the sobbing officer over.
"Here now. Here is the truth of it."
His finger probed with great care between her scarlet buttocks. "There," Falconer hissed. "Do you see it?"
"Oh my God," whispered the policeman. "It has teeth."
"Indeed," said the great detective. "Anus dentata. Rare, but all too real. The old gentleman on the floor with no undercarriage preferred to take his pleasure through the tradesman's entrance. However -- "-- Falconer tapped the rim of the organ with his fingertip, and red fangs clacked down to form a sharp enamel iris -- "-- involuntary, you see? A convulsive action, severing and quite possibly devouring the decedent's erection."
The policeman slumped to his knees. "They hate me. Why else would they give me the guy who died of anal sex as a first case?"
"Nonsense. This is a very important case, young man. It's not every day a bishop dies of anus dentata."
"Note the boyish figure of the poor owner of these hidden jaws. Note that the discarded school uniform features a trouser rather than a skirt. This unpenised man of God was attempting to wean himself off choirboys. It would be sad if, frankly, it were not so very funny."
"Exeunt," Falconer crowed, pausing only to lift the bishop's wallet before lurching out of the room for the Cigarette Of Victory and the pursuit of Crime in all its romantic guises.
(c) Warren Ellis 2005 blah blah blah
I love it. Falconer is a Holmes even more dissipated and fucked in the head than the original.
always a pleasure to reap the fruits of your twisted mind
Bastard, how the hell to I explain my hysterics! Tell them the story? Point out the cunning whit, the strange truth of it all, the terrible obviousness of your logic. How damn you HOW!
I need a cigarette!
I think I rather like Falconer.
2005-05-09 02:46 pm (UTC)
Brain demands bleach rub to punctuate mental images with proper amount of burning.
I'm going to have nightmares.
Anal jaws, lovely touch! With all the pussy teeth legends/horror tales, it's nice to see equal opportunity orifice evil!
Dirty Foul and Hilarious all at the same time.
you have a very peculiar mind.. i cannot stop laughing :)
There is nothing peculiar about my mind.
I am writing CHILDREN'S STORIES here.
You are hitting your stride.
I want teeth in my asshole too! Erm..I mean.....
Just say NO to anal dentures.
Marvels at your brain.
Love the music selection. (I was just introduced to the music of Momus a few weeks ago. Circus Maximus is my current favorite cd.)
As for the new hero? Sick, but amusing. What the hell was he doing with all his previous lovers to bring him where he is today?
As for the girl... It reminds me of Vampire Hunter D a bit, with the hand that had it's own mouth and eyes... Personality too. And another story I read where a womans breasts had a mind of there own, too, clubbing guys to death who got too fresh. Makes me wonder if her anus is hungry.
Makes me wonder if her anus is hungry.
The whole thing made me think of WSB's routine about the Man Who Taught His Asshole To Talk. (And writing this comment made me realize I need a "sick and twisted" usericon in one of the 10 or so icon slots I have remaining.)
"tradesman's entrance" is my new favourite euphemism.
2005-05-09 06:46 pm (UTC)
They need a Law & Order like this.
The lead detective from the CRIMINAL INTENT show wanders around smelling the crime scene.
Come to think of it, one of the writers and/or producers of CI used to work in comics. Gerry Conway, I think.
Do you think the trauma of mainstream comics forces your brain to think about detectives who smell dead things?
...of Catholics I want to show this piece to. And then sit back and watch their heads explode.
I liked that one heaps better than the first one.
Great way to start my working day!
Very nice. This is the best of the recent ones.
2005-05-09 09:48 pm (UTC)
See the thing is.. I actually like anal....
I bet people check your arse for traps, too.
I like that this came up on my friends page right after Momus's, and you're playing Spooky Kabuki.
These are fucking great, incidentally.
I might have squirmed if I wasn't laughing.