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Falconer In Love [May. 19th, 2005|03:17 pm]
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"His heart just exploded," she said, fixing Falconer with eyes as blue as a winter lake.

Falconer, the great consulting detective, nodded, indicating the sink on the far side of the room. "And it landed there?"

"Right out of his chest and into the sink," the woman affirmed, scraping dark curls out of her face with carmine nails.

Falconer considered. "That's a good fifteen feet from the bed to the sink. And it had to pass through the bandages, too. He'd recently had major cardiac surgery?"

"He insisted we go to bed," she said. Falconer was impressed by her utter lack of sympathy. "I was concerned that his ribs hadn't healed. I mean, I witnessed the operation They sawed through his ribcage and then spread them with this terrible metal thing."

She began to look flushed. "Are you well, my dear?" Falconer crooned.

"Oh, yes," she whispered. "It's just the memory..."

"Indeed," Falconer said. "And it was that memory that compelled you to take him to bed, was it not?"

"I'm sure I don't know what you mean, Mr Falconer."

"If you take a deep breath, madam, I am certain you will detect your own feminine musk in the air. I believe you to have masturbated over your own husband's heart surgery. And, still possessed by fetishistic lust, took him to bed the moment he returned from the hospital and copulated with the man until his ailing cardiac muscle literally threw itself through his weakened ribcage in protest."

"Oh, Mr Falconer," she sighed. "Whatever shall happen now?"

"I have a friend in the medical profession," Falconer rasped. "He has a private consulting room. I believe I shall have to use all the tools of his trade to make an exceptionally probing forensic examination of your body."

The widow moaned into his ear. It was very definitely time for the Cigarette Of Victory.

"Exeunt," Falconer declared, and they fairly ran from the room, hand in hand.



(c) me now blah blah
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Comments:
(Deleted comment)
[User Picture]From: warren_ellis
2005-05-19 02:35 pm (UTC)

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Obviously, The Anal Patrol came and picked him up afterwards.
(Deleted comment)
[User Picture]From: warren_ellis
2005-05-19 02:39 pm (UTC)

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Not the hat, then?
(Deleted comment)
[User Picture]From: envoy
2005-05-19 02:46 pm (UTC)

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The hat doesn't help.

Trust me on this.
From: nefarious_kinky
2005-05-20 12:01 am (UTC)

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To be fair, neither do the suspenders, man.



I think the hat is very...cunning.
[User Picture]From: roadparty
2005-05-19 02:55 pm (UTC)

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I love that you just say the things that everyone else is thinking.
[User Picture]From: darkcryst
2005-05-19 03:08 pm (UTC)

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thats why they pay him the big bucks...
[User Picture]From: card0
2005-05-19 02:24 pm (UTC)

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*applause* take a bow sir, a bow I say! And a well earned one at that. *further applause*
[User Picture]From: rev_e
2005-05-19 02:35 pm (UTC)

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Why do I hear Warren Zevon's Mister Bad Example in my head whenever I read a Falconer story?
[User Picture]From: miss_squiddy
2005-05-19 02:43 pm (UTC)

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That's my favourite one so far...
[User Picture]From: warren_ellis
2005-05-19 05:22 pm (UTC)

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The power of lurve.
[User Picture]From: kostika
2005-05-19 02:52 pm (UTC)

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And you say I'm crazy....
[User Picture]From: roadparty
2005-05-19 02:58 pm (UTC)

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I'd point out the missing quotation marks, except that you and your hatred of editors scares me. "exceptionally probing forensic examination of your body" also scares me.
[User Picture]From: warren_ellis
2005-05-19 03:01 pm (UTC)

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Shit. I sent this from the pub, and was probably working too quickly to get the idea down...
[User Picture]From: roadparty
2005-05-19 03:02 pm (UTC)

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I think we'll all manage to forgive you just this once.
[User Picture]From: raving_rendal
2005-05-19 03:25 pm (UTC)

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Well Falconer has to be one of the more unique characters I've come across. he comes off like a more cocky Sherlock Holmes, though I don't know if that was your intention or not.
[User Picture]From: baronbrian
2005-05-19 03:29 pm (UTC)

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I'd say more like Holmes after he gave into the cocaine.
[User Picture]From: blackwell
2005-05-19 03:50 pm (UTC)

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Romantic.
[User Picture]From: warren_ellis
2005-05-19 05:22 pm (UTC)

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Isn't it, though?
[User Picture]From: pirateman
2005-05-19 03:51 pm (UTC)

The Falconer rocking the hizouse

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Have you seen the new Star Wars movie? What'd you think?
[User Picture]From: warren_ellis
2005-05-19 03:52 pm (UTC)

Re: The Falconer rocking the hizouse

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Haven't seen it, don't intend to see it, due to no longer being eight years old.
[User Picture]From: pirateman
2005-05-19 03:55 pm (UTC)

Re: The Falconer rocking the hizouse

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I don't know, man... This one was pretty cool...
[User Picture]From: khaman
2005-05-19 03:59 pm (UTC)

Re: The Falconer rocking the hizouse

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I see nothing wrong with enjoying the occasional nostalgia for being a kid. It's when you get the tricycle out and run over people's toes in Wal-Mart while making vroom-vroom noises that you should be shot in the head.
[User Picture]From: apiphile
2005-05-19 04:09 pm (UTC)

Re: The Falconer rocking the hizouse

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Now would be a good time to mention that I love you.

(I fucking hate those films)
[User Picture]From: tim_x
2005-05-19 04:18 pm (UTC)

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The sweetest one yet. I wonder if they'll marry...
[User Picture]From: djsean
2005-05-19 05:30 pm (UTC)

Last edition some chaps discussed who would play the Falconer in a movie...

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I think I'd like to nominate Willem Defoe.

Oh, and riotous good job. I'd hate to get into a cuddle fight with the Falconer.

-Sean
[User Picture]From: alyngodes
2005-05-19 09:02 pm (UTC)

Re: Last edition some chaps discussed who would play the Falconer in a movie...

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I'd copulate with a man until his ailing cardiac muscle literally threw itself through his weakened ribcage in protest to have willem dafoe make an exceptionally probing forensic examination of my body.
i mean...what?
[User Picture]From: djsean
2005-05-19 09:57 pm (UTC)

Re: Last edition some chaps discussed who would play the Falconer in a movie...

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Sexiest Willem Defoe scene ever - Boone Dock Saints, half of his drag outfit off with his hairnet still in, blowing his lips out as he shoots one of the Russians.

-Sean
[User Picture]From: alyngodes
2005-05-19 11:02 pm (UTC)

hehehe

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i would have said either riverdancing or with all that blood in his hair at the last crime scene, but to each his own.
-nyla
[User Picture]From: ratkrycek
2005-05-20 02:15 am (UTC)

Re: Last edition some chaps discussed who would play the Falconer in a movie...

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That's a good one! (Willem Dafoe)

[User Picture]From: pinkdormouse
2005-05-19 06:27 pm (UTC)

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Excellent yet again.

Gina
[User Picture]From: the_siobhan
2005-05-19 09:54 pm (UTC)

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Hot.
[User Picture]From: glitter_regalia
2005-05-19 10:32 pm (UTC)

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All together now:

awwwwwww!
[User Picture]From: bunny_babe
2005-05-19 10:48 pm (UTC)

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Oh god, what a perfect way to end a shitty day.
Moist and frustrated.

(it's raining)




(okay, no it's not)
From: nefarious_kinky
2005-05-19 11:59 pm (UTC)

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Wow. Wouldn't it be awesome if I grew up to be her?
From: shadowblue
2005-05-20 12:37 am (UTC)

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I truly adore this series.
[User Picture]From: fornikate
2005-05-20 02:26 am (UTC)

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hot.
[User Picture]From: lord_sauron
2005-05-20 02:42 am (UTC)

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You rawk so hard.
[User Picture]From: redwolf
2005-05-20 03:40 am (UTC)

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I'm sure terrible diseases that cause body parts to unexpectedly drop off were then exchanged.

And yet I sigh in happiness as they run out of the room together.
[User Picture]From: mpschuster
2005-05-20 03:11 pm (UTC)

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You are creeping me out. Very nice.
[User Picture]From: porphyre
2005-05-20 10:42 pm (UTC)

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What's worse is that I think I've given him your voice...