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Warren Ellis

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Falconer Forever [Jun. 3rd, 2005|02:54 pm]
Warren Ellis
Falconer, the great consulting detective, arose from his forensic
contemplation. His raptor's profile was stark against the blood-spattered

"You will arrest this boy's mother now," he intoned to the attending police

The boy, naked and swabbing at the tiny cuts under his testicles with a wad
of grey toilet tissue, reacted badly. "Not Mummy! Not my Mummy!"

"Indeed," Falconer observed, "your police scientists will confirm that the
placenta currently filling the gullet of the dead girl strapped to the bed
once shared a womb with this boy. It has been cleverly preserved by a
master criminal for precisely this purpose -- choking the boy's girlfriend
to death."

"My Mummy is not a master criminal!" the boy protested.

"I see," Falconer said, "that you still rub that pinprick on your arm.
Your girlfriend has a matching mark. I submit that your mother entered the
house while you were engaged in coitus with the young lady. She assaulted
you both with a hypodermic syringe with a substance that made you both
more...pliant. She was restrained, and the placenta shoved into her mouth.
She choked to death while your mother placed you in that chair and
rrrrutted with you. Riding you so hard, in fact, that blood vessels under
your scrotum burst against repeated violent contact with the edge of the

Falconer drew himself up to his full height and loomed over the weeping
boy. "I further deduce that she forced you to ejaculate into a plastic
dripfeed bag such as is found in medical establishments, later to introduce
your vigorous sperm into her bloodstream for the purpose of youth
preservation. I suspect she bred you specifically for sexual entertainment
and, in her twisted mind, the production of age-retarding chemicals. The
girl was killed as instruction and punishment: you belong only to Mummy."

"And the ligatures on his thighs?" the police officer asked. "Was he
restrained also?"

"Not as such," smiled Falconer. "Those livid lines come from his mother's
apron strings."

Falconer lit a match off the boy's penis, making him yelp, and ignited The
Cigarette Of Victory.

"I go now to obtain a schoolboy's uniform and some kind of cricket box to
protect my precious scrotal treasures, thence to meet your very interesting
mother. Exeunt."

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From: leftoftheedge
2005-06-03 02:01 pm (UTC)
I feel dirty and used - what a wonderful way to end the week. Hurrah for Falconer!
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[User Picture]From: mixmastermike
2005-06-03 02:02 pm (UTC)
You are fucked up in a very interesting and unique manner. Thanks for posting more Falconer.
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[User Picture]From: apiphile
2005-06-03 02:07 pm (UTC)
Cannot *wait* to see that particular encounter.
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[User Picture]From: okkitten
2005-06-03 02:09 pm (UTC)
scrotal treatures - that's a keeper. Thanks as always, you know precisely how to brighten my morning.
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[User Picture]From: roadparty
2005-06-03 02:13 pm (UTC)
So, I've got to ask. Does Falconer have anything to do with your daughter's fondness for birds of prey?
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[User Picture]From: warren_ellis
2005-06-03 02:27 pm (UTC)
There was a film about Peter Whitehead some years back called THE FALCONER...
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[User Picture]From: scottums
2005-06-03 02:25 pm (UTC)
I'm surprised Falconer didn't sample the boy's vigorous sperm for "research".
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[User Picture]From: hellblazer
2005-06-03 02:31 pm (UTC)
Honestly? Falconer's starting to scare me a little bit.
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[User Picture]From: lordbleys
2005-06-03 02:41 pm (UTC)
Fantastic Icon.
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[User Picture]From: porphyre
2005-06-03 02:33 pm (UTC)
... at which point someone pulls out a firing squad of slash-fic.
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[User Picture]From: chaya
2005-06-03 03:07 pm (UTC)
It would be too easy.
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[User Picture]From: maxrael
2005-06-03 02:36 pm (UTC)
oh i've just come.

the shame
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From: shadowblue
2005-06-03 02:38 pm (UTC)
I've just read this over breakfast.


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[User Picture]From: mithras
2005-06-03 05:22 pm (UTC)
The Falconer stories, while I enjoy them, make me glad I don't eat breakfast.
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[User Picture]From: flameamongcoals
2005-06-03 02:49 pm (UTC)
Your writing rivets a person. It's like pulling back a curtain to reveal a world more horrific than they could possibly imagine and yet, which they instantly recognize. I applaud you, as always, for accomplishing what so few can, which is to display what is common in a way that is new.

If you know another contemporary writer who can write like this, who doesn't have a Geocities account into which he keys his spiraled notebook, please, do toss me a name. Otherwise, I'm going to reread your latest mind fruit. Your writing is the healthiest addiction I've ever had.

Well, good for the body, candy for the mind, poison for the soul as it may be. : )
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[User Picture]From: warren_ellis
2005-06-03 03:36 pm (UTC)
You want my friend Richard Kadrey. Start here, click "next" at the end, repeat 63 times.
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[User Picture]From: nosrialleon
2005-06-03 02:58 pm (UTC)
If anyone wants me, I'll be in the shower.
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[User Picture]From: autodidactic
2005-06-03 03:03 pm (UTC)

Ew. Ew. Ew.

Good, but... ew.

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[User Picture]From: sideshowjoe
2005-06-03 03:11 pm (UTC)
You are creating quite a fucked up CSI. When do you introduce your token characters?
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[User Picture]From: fragilemuse
2005-06-03 03:20 pm (UTC)
you are so weird ;D
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[User Picture]From: warren_ellis
2005-06-03 03:37 pm (UTC)
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