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Springtime For Falconer - Warren Ellis [entries|archive|friends|userinfo]
Warren Ellis

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Springtime For Falconer [May. 18th, 2005|11:02 pm]
Warren Ellis
[Current Music |ambulance - witchi tai to]

The crack whores were sticking out of the washing machine door, toes first. Eight cracked, bruised, greying little feet. The spin cycle had been hell on their shins.

Falconer, the great consulting detective, crouched by the open door and considered a pile of dead little toes.

"Poor crack whores," he crooned, licking their feet gently with a long mauve tongue.

"That's just fucking hideous," said the police officer in charge.

"Indeed," Falconer whispered. "Observe the tiny, tiny cuts in the soles of their feet, and the thin, even dusting of white powder. These women's feet were lightly grated, and then they were caused to dance on a floorspace covered in cocaine."

Falconer straightened abruptly. "The Red Shoes," he said. "You're looking for a lecturer in English Literature, both hedonistic and hebephrenic. Someone attempting, misguidedly, to empower childlike behavior through vice."

The officer looked at Falconer as if he were mad. Which, of course, he was.

"'The Red Shoes,' officer? ' 'Dance you shall,' said he, 'dance in your red shoes till you are pale and cold, till your skin shrivels up and you are a skeleton!' ' A fairy tale. Now look again: blood leaking from tortured soles stung with cocaine, forcing motion? Blood-slicked feet, officer -- red shoes. This man is physically quite weak, with a significant amount of hidden wealth, and probably possessed of a unique, if not readily apparent, charisma."

"And now," said Falconer, spinning lightly on his feet and then striding towards the door, "the Cigarette Of Victory. Exeunt."

Falconer was late to his lecture.

(c) Warren Ellis 2005 etc etc

[User Picture]From: apiphile
2005-05-18 10:04 pm (UTC)
Hooray, the return.
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[User Picture]From: ratkrycek
2005-05-18 10:09 pm (UTC)
Falconer's gotta be one of the more memorable detectives I've come across in fiction. I'm really liking these. Is it appropriate to say thank you for posting these?

Well, I appreciate them. Of course there's the fascination with the "gross stuff," the visceral - you're doing a great job with that. I love writers who don't flinch away from that stuff. It's, I don't know - honest, maybe, is the word I'm looking for?

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[User Picture]From: noressa
2005-05-18 10:12 pm (UTC)
So, kind of like the firefighters who start their own fires to make themselves look good?
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[User Picture]From: thaumaturge
2005-05-18 10:18 pm (UTC)
Wait! Was Falconer attending, or teaching the lecture?!

P.S. Use ©, dammit.
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[User Picture]From: warren_ellis
2005-05-18 10:20 pm (UTC)
"P.S. Use ©, dammit."

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[User Picture]From: willdevine
2005-05-18 10:28 pm (UTC)
As you may have seen in your response, after it got processed by LJ, "©" should usually turn into "©", the copyright symbol that you wanted. It's probably just easier to use "(c)" and it has the same effect, though, so it really doesn't matter. It'll just look nicer with a clear copyright symbol.
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[User Picture]From: thaumaturge
2005-05-18 11:34 pm (UTC)
yeah, it just looks more cooler.
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[User Picture]From: pirateman
2005-05-18 10:21 pm (UTC)

Great job, Warren

Awesome awesome awesome. Keep 'em coming!
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[User Picture]From: violaine8
2005-05-18 10:28 pm (UTC)
21st Century Fairy Toes, I love it!
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[User Picture]From: mykeamend
2005-05-18 10:30 pm (UTC)
:) Thanks, always, for sharing.

Of the Falconer pieces, my fave thus far.
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From: nefarious_kinky
2005-05-18 10:39 pm (UTC)
HA! Modern, drug-induced psuedo-fairy tales make my soul smile.
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[User Picture]From: bunny_babe
2005-05-18 10:55 pm (UTC)
That is a fucking sexy crime. How the hell did you come up with that one??

Ps, you don't need me to tell you how brilliant... but you are.
And this is.
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[User Picture]From: panzerkunst
2005-05-18 11:00 pm (UTC)
The real CSI.
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[User Picture]From: djsean
2005-05-18 11:38 pm (UTC)
That Falconer sure is one classy devil.

Oh, and Mister Ellis I have a recommended funtime happy venture for you. Being the net-savvy man about town that you are, you are probably already aware of this innovation in inannity, but on the off chance that it slipped by you, check out www.uncyclopedica.com

Here's a few that I did:


Feel free to tweak them, it's fun for the whole family.

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[User Picture]From: tim_x
2005-05-19 12:02 am (UTC)
You're very funny.
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[User Picture]From: fornikate
2005-05-19 12:14 am (UTC)
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[User Picture]From: lee_in_limbo
2005-05-19 12:44 am (UTC)
E's a demented wretch, innit he?

These Falconer pieces give me a warped little jolt of amusement. I know it's pretty much stunt writing for you, but still, it's got the beginnings of something darkly grand.

Lee Edward,
still reading
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From: hearinmyhead
2005-05-19 02:04 am (UTC)
Firstly; the Falconer needs a TV show.

Secondly; I hope you got my email! I hate email because it's so unreliable and I always worry it never gets where it's supposed to go. I'd much rather enslave a pigeon with GPS up its butt to take my letters across the globe.
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[User Picture]From: sxyblkmn
2005-05-19 02:46 am (UTC)

that's fucking great
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[User Picture]From: geny_bhai
2005-05-19 03:28 am (UTC)
I keep picturing Rutger Hauer as Falconer. Who do you see?
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[User Picture]From: ratkrycek
2005-05-19 04:08 am (UTC)
Good question. 've had discussions in the past with friends about how we might cast some of our favorite fiction books, and it's always struck me as kind of neat how people, given that they've read the same book, can have so many different ideas of what the characters ought to look like. Sorry if you meant this to be a question for Warren and I'm hijacking it. ;)

I see Falconer as possibly looking and presenting as quite normal (not that Rutger isn't normal, exactly, but I guess he's rougher cut than I see Falconer), maybe even somewhat distinguished; possibly his speech is an affectation, and perhaps not. Alternatively, I can see him as a shy, furtive man, authoritative or seemingly with it" only when he's talking about forensics. One thing that stands out to me is he speaks of this things that would probably have most people revolted, calmly, or even in affectionate terms - so, I picture anyone from Law & Order: SVU's Richard Belzer (he might have a thin face; though maybe the Belzster would need a different voice, or not). I could also picture David Duchovny from the X-Files as Falconer, but he'd be different than Richard Belzer, in terms of presentation, obviously. For some reason the Stupendous Yappi from the X-Files popped into my head... damn, who was the actor who played him... I'm too damn lazy to look it up just now.

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[User Picture]From: redwolf
2005-05-19 08:20 am (UTC)
Jaap Broeker is the man who played the Stupendous Yappi. He was also Duchovny's stand-in.
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[User Picture]From: wyldkyss
2005-05-19 04:54 am (UTC)
I think I read that faerie tale...
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[User Picture]From: pinkdormouse
2005-05-19 06:10 am (UTC)

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[User Picture]From: redwolf
2005-05-19 08:13 am (UTC)
His lectures must be fascinating. Or, at least, deeply disturbing. Probably both.
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[User Picture]From: card0
2005-05-19 08:17 am (UTC)
I like falconer and fear for the poor fool who figures out what he's up to.

These brighten up my day in an office filled with people who think Eastenders is the height of intelligent drama.
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[User Picture]From: haironfire
2005-05-19 11:25 am (UTC)
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[User Picture]From: roadparty
2005-05-19 12:23 pm (UTC)
That last line makes it absolute gold.
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[User Picture]From: silver_notebook
2005-05-23 04:26 pm (UTC)
At first, the cocaine stung as it seeped into my shredded feet, but soon the numbness spread through them, so I could no longer feel my toes. I danced on, blithely guessing where the ground was; as one guesses tongue away from teeth after the torments of the dentist's needle. Though I quickly became used to the oversized feel of my feet each time they fell to the floor, they were an encumbrance to my usual grace. Those red shoes sat there and taunted me: so elegant and made to dance in, but I restrained myself, with thoughts of carefully crafted, wooden limbs. I would rather rub cocaine into the damaged soles of my dancing feet than slip on those there red shoes. (I was the one who escaped the fate of the spin cycle, despite His charisma).
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