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The Joy of Falconer - Warren Ellis [entries|archive|friends|userinfo]
Warren Ellis

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The Joy of Falconer [May. 21st, 2005|07:33 pm]
Warren Ellis
[Current Music |sugarcubes - regina]

Falconer screwed his little finger into the dead man's nipple, feeling the tract the bullet had cut on its fatal passage through the victim's chest.

"Shot through the nipple," the great consulting detective tutted. "What is the world coming to?"

"We can't find the bullet," the attending police officer said, nervously. The very presence of Falconer tended to turn his bowels to water, and he suspected he'd been given this assignment as a joke. "The forensics guy was... well, he was drunk off his ass, actually, and my superiors asked if you'd give the body the once-over before we moved it."

Falconer inhaled, deeply. Then inhaled again, sharply, with intent.

"This man was being threatened?"

"Yes," sighed the policeman. "Notes, mostly: received in the mail, stuck to the door, daubed on the wall, nailed to the cat, that kind of thing. 'I will piss on your grave', 'I will dance on your bones', 'you will die shitting yourself in fear,' the usual."

"Aha," Falconer said. "Contempt. Hate is the mother of invention, you know."

"I thought that was necessity."

"Catshit, my boy. It is hate. Hate makes the world go round. All you need is hate. I'd like to teach the world to hate."

Falconer sniffed his probing fingertip. "In perfect harmony. I know why you cannot find the bullet."


"Because it has melted. Did you sniff the wound?"

"Of course I fucking didn't."

"You should have done. Your crime scene technician was plainly too drunk to do his job. You should have him sodomised by heavily medicated weasels immediately. A service I can provide for a small fee."

"Where's the bullet?"

"In here. Melted. 'I will piss on your grave' indeed. The offending shell, my boy, was made entirely of urine and shredded paper, frozen together. The paper fragmented and dispersed, and the urine melted."

Falconer stood tall, producing the Cigarettes Of Victory from his pocket.

"This man was killed by ballistic piss. Exeunt."

[User Picture]From: apiphile
2005-05-21 06:42 pm (UTC)
Clearly "I will kill you with my own ballistic piss" needs to be added to the great universal roster of brilliant threats that no one will ever believe.
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[User Picture]From: pinkdormouse
2005-05-21 06:42 pm (UTC)
You should have him sodomised by heavily medicated weasels immediately. A service I can provide for a small fee."


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[User Picture]From: inri33
2005-05-21 06:45 pm (UTC)
Was that an intentional reference to The Delgados 'Hate Is All You Need' or merely a coincidence?
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[User Picture]From: tim_x
2005-05-21 06:59 pm (UTC)
She hates you yeah, yeah, yeah...
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[User Picture]From: wyldkyss
2005-05-21 07:00 pm (UTC)
An excellent read over a bowl of cold thai-curry leftovers.
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[User Picture]From: tves
2005-05-21 07:05 pm (UTC)
Disgustingly shocking, as usual, Love it!

Now we eagerly await something from you that will out do this last brilliance!
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[User Picture]From: jwz
2005-05-21 07:47 pm (UTC)

disappearing bullets

Alas, Mythbusters debunked the ice bullet. They also tried making a slow-frozen bullet out of meat. Nothing they tried would penetrate skin; they all disolved at or before impact.
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[User Picture]From: lord_sauron
2005-05-22 04:50 am (UTC)
Woudnt a frozen paper ice-mache bullet remain as eveidence for a while? The stuff was not supposed to melt very fast according to the attached articles. Thanks for the link very much by the way. In winter I like to think up things I could do in the cold. Creating a Pykrete fortress sounds perfectly plausable now (as a concept only). Sweetness.
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[User Picture]From: djsean
2005-05-21 08:04 pm (UTC)
Oh my dear fucking funny.

Seriously, giggle-fit 5000.

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[User Picture]From: rumblegirl
2005-05-21 08:20 pm (UTC)
you should get an ongoing television series based on Falconer.
you could tell execs it would be a new sort of "murder she wrote" and them hand them a script including the frozen urine bullet.
what a fabulous surprise for the world!

but seriously, a live action Falconer would be lovely.
i'm sure there's already somebody on this list presently rehearsing these scenes in their bedroom anyway.
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[User Picture]From: sxyblkmn
2005-05-21 09:09 pm (UTC)
"This man was killed by ballistic piss. Exeunt."

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[User Picture]From: redwolf
2005-05-21 10:52 pm (UTC)
Delightfully bizarre.
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From: goblinzz
2005-05-22 02:17 am (UTC)
You are a sick man. That is why we love and woship you.
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[User Picture]From: lord_sauron
2005-05-22 04:51 am (UTC)
The Victory Smoke is a very nice trademark :P
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[User Picture]From: angelus702
2005-05-22 11:04 pm (UTC)
Fucking brilliant!
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[User Picture]From: card0
2005-05-23 07:59 am (UTC)
And my day just got a touch brighter, cheers.
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From: bbullock
2005-05-23 03:52 pm (UTC)
So, how soon do you think you can talk a tobacco company into producing "Of Victory" cigarettes?
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[User Picture]From: silver_notebook
2005-05-23 04:27 pm (UTC)
You know you make me laugh? Let me never meet your weasels.
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From: nerdy_thor
2005-05-23 07:24 pm (UTC)
You're the only writer that intimidates me with great stories(Desolation) then makes me laugh. I'd print a certificate if I could walk to your house.

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From: leftoftheedge
2005-05-24 09:06 am (UTC)
Cheers for that, these Falconer shorts are a good laugh.
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